The poor man and the Lord

Господ и сиромахо

There once was a poor and kind of simple-minded man. He went plowing. He lifted the plow from this side of his shoulders to that, yoked the oxen, and cursed the furrow. An old man passed by and asked him:

"Hey there, son, why are you doing it that way?"

"So, how should I?"

"From here you should turn the oxen around."

He showed him. He turned the oxen around. The old man went on. He was the Lord. He changed his appearance and returned from the opposite direction from where he had gone, and asked him:

"Good day, son!"

"God be with you, granddad!"

"Hey, who taught you to plow like that?"

"I did, who else?"

"You? Did you learn from your father or your grandfather?"

And this angered him. Again the old man asked him:

"What are you planting, son?"

"I'm planting cocks," he said.

"God grant that they grow for you!" he said.

However, after he had sown the field, he didn't go back to see what was growing there, and what wasn't. It occurred to him only when the time came to reap the harvest. He went to reap. When he looked, there were cocks everywhere in the field! "Oh no!" he said. "What has my tongue done? The Lord has punished me with this." He wondered what to do, what to do. Should he do this, should he do that? He said:

"Well now, why not harvest them and bring them home so the whole world doesn't joke about the field being full of them."

He reaped them, brought them home in the cart and kept them a while. But in the fall he said:

"Wait, I have goods to sell, and I'll bring them to market. Perhaps I'll sell some and bring in a little money."

In the market, men, women, and children stood about. They looked at one another and laughed. A young woman, a daring one, said:

"Say there, friend, can I pick something out?"

"Young bride, you can pick one out. Choose, go on, and pick one out! Take whichever one pleases you."

However, she looked and looked, none pleased her. Then she saw one in the corner. She liked it as soon as she saw it. And he said to her:

"Only when you look at it, don't whistle, be silent and take it."

She listened. She wouldn't whistle. As she uncovered it she said:

"How much will that be, friend?"

"One ducat, young bride!"

"Ok, fine. One! Here's your ducat!"

She tucked it under her arm. She went off.

He said:

"Hey young bride! When you want to do it, just whistle 'whee-oo!' and it will start pounding away."

Again she went off, but she forgot to ask him how to get it out of there. She walked and walked. Then it occurred to her. She said:

"Oh my, I forgot to ask him how to get it out." She returned.

"Hey friend, you sold me this. Tell me, how do I get it out of there?"

"Say to it 'ulp-ulp' and it will come out."

As she was going along the road homewards, she said:

"Wait, and I'll see whether this thing is for real or not! Maybe that man fooled me only to take my money."

There was a little bush over there.

"I'll go lie under that bush, then no one along the road will see me," she said. She went over to the bush; there was a willow grove there. And when she took it out and whistled at it. It started pounding away. She thought and thought, but she had forgotten what he had told her to say to get it out. At one point she gulped, and gulped, and said 'ulp-ulp'. And it fell out. And she said:

"Oh baby, oh baby! I needed that!"

She took it, washed it in the water, over there in the river. She took it and put it in the box. And she set off for home happy, as happy as she could be.

However, when she got home her husband wasn't there. She set it on top of a cupboard. The box was brightly colored. When her husband came home, he looked around and saw the box.

"Hold on now, let me see what's in that box," he said. Upon getting down the box, when he opened it he whistled 'whee-oo!' , and it hurled itself at him. It went down, and then up through his pants. It chased him, ravaged him, beat him. He hit it, it didn't understand. It rammed into him. Finally he said:

"Ouch, ouch, mother-fucker!"

And it understood this, and came out. He put it in the box and was silent about it. His wife returned home. When he had rested he said:

"Wife, I m going to ask you something, and you must answer truthfully. What is in the box up there on the cupboard?"

"It's nothing."

"No, tell me where did you find it?"

"I really don't know anything about it."

He got up, took down the basket:

"Open it and see what it is!"

When she opened it she saw what it was.

"Where did you get this?"

"In the market. Someone was selling sausages, and I liked them."

"How much did it cost you?

"One ducat."

"But this isn't a sausage, this here is a cock for fucking yourself."

"Oh, but..."

"That's it, don't deny it! It got me, too. It chased me, got into my pants, and it rammed and rammed and rammed me, until I figured out how to get it out. It practically skinned me. So, up until now it's been all right, but what are we going to do with you from now on? I have one, and you still go off and buy another one! Whom will you do, and whom will I do?" She said:

"I'll do the one I bought, and as for the one you're carrying about, carry it yourself and that will be that."